Ganonpony indeed.
True Life of Ganondorf #1
Why, hello there. My name is Ganondorf. I’m sure you know who I am. “The King of Evil” and what not. The holder of the Triforce of Power. Eternal punching bag to that boy. Yes, I am that guy. Seriously, I have gotten too old for this. Resurrecting, taking over a portion of Hyrule, Light Arrows, dying again, resurrecting, Hyrule, Light Arrows, death. I honestly can’t remember the first life I had.
I have to say my favorite life is when I lived in the Gerudo Desert…with all those ladies. Mmmm-hmmm. Delicious woman, all for me. You have to know that being the only man born in 100 years is nice. Imagine being a child with as much putang at your beck and call. I had the Gerudo’s breast feed me well into my…well, actually, I never stopped. Breast milk is f***ing delicious.
I never knew my father though. Quite sad, never taught me how to ride horseback or shoot arrows. Why I don’t talk like the women there? They all sound like men! We all sound…what do you Earth people say…Like Sean Connery! I sound like him too. I think I tend to look like him as well.
But I digress… you don’t want me to talk about the some odd 500 women I could sleep with every night. I’m sure you want to know why I do what I do.
Honestly, the Triforce plopped in front of me one day. No searching, no “king of thieves” crap. It just landed there. I was a bit hungry at the time, and it looked like a nacho. Okay, I know I shouldn’t be eating Triforces off the ground, but I was so hungry. So I reach to pick it up with my hand and mystically, it attaches to my right hand with one of the Triforce triangles lit up.
I was f***king tripping balls. How does a nacho fuse to your hand? I mean, it didn’t hurt. I mean, the only real difference was PURPLE FIRE but that is awesome to begin with. As soon as I decide to walk back home, I was shot, in the back with a Light Arrow by a slut princess. I couldn’t move. That’s when I was stabbed in the back by this boy, the same boy I will see for the rest of my lives. I started to die. I opened my eyes and looked to the sky, to see a small man, well into his prime, wearing a green jumpsuit, riding on a red balloon, laughing at me. He dropped that blasted Triforce, I’m sure of it. Damn…..kids….
Last time I’ll eat a nacho.
